One tough Mama!

I came inside from mowing my lawn and Logan, my 4 year old, runs to the window to look outside (checking to see if I finished mowing)...and turns around and says, "Wow!  You're one tough mama!"  This might not seem like a big deal, but for 10 months my 4 year old has been pretty certain that I can't mow the lawn, change a lightbulb, unclog the toilet, or fix anything without "daddy" to help. 
I have recently accepted a 2nd job, continue working on my Master's degree, contuing to work full time at my current job, full time mom, full time housekeeper, full time activity director for my children etc.  It gets busy and I get overwhelmed.  Most of my life I have felt like nothing I do is quite good enough.  I wait for someone to tell me "good job" or "thank you."  When I didn't hear that, I would feel like I wasn't 'worth it' or my hard work went unnoticed.  I would think to myself, "really, no one noticed I cleaned that up or finished that, or fixed that, or lost weight, or cut my hair, or, or, or, or."  People must only be appreciated in the movies... or in the fairytales...
Through counseling and some books that I have read, I come to believe there is One who sees everything and nothing goes unnoticed with Him.  I am working really hard on understanding this and accepting that my worth needs to come from God...not from what I do or who I am around.  With this thought process, although it's nice to hear a "good job" or "thank you", I don't need to hear that to feel I am worth something. It's hard to always think this way because it's so easy to feel taken advantage of or thinking that our good deeds and good works have gone unnoticed...however, knowing that there is always someone that appreciates our hard work and good deeds lets me live in my fairytale life...even when we live in a not-so-fairytale world!

How will you be remembered?

I have been very inspired over the past four years as I have read about the journey of a local member our community battle cancer.  Even up to her final moments here on earth, she never gave up hope, never questioned "why me?", and never stopped smiling. 
I can't help but think about my life when something like this happens.  Gosh, how many times have I asked, "God, why are you doing this to me?"  Or said to myself, "I can't handle this anymore" or "once this happens, then I will be happy" or "Ugh.  If only I had the answers" or "If only I knew what the future held" or "There's no hope."  Or, I would just dwell on past mistakes that I had made.  I was so good at focusing on the negative things in my life...that it consumed me, and I missed out on a lot of good things going on around me.  I would tend to forget about all the good in my life which God has blessed me with...such as my boys, my family, my husband, the fact that I have a house, I have a job, I have friends, my health etc.  There is so much I have to be thankful for.  I wasn't living my life in the here and now.  I think about the movie Kung fu Panda and the turtle (I forget his title) says, "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift." Amen to that!
After Thanksgiving, I decided to post something on facebook that I was thankful for in my life each day for a month.  I would encourage all of you to do this...what difference this made in my life.  I was begining each day with focusing on something good in my life...instead of worrying about all the bad going on in my life. 
Over this past year...more so in the past couple of months...I have come to realize and fully believe that I am in control of my life...and I have God on my side.  I have the choice to wake up each morning and think of the happy things...or think of the negative things.  There are many days when it is so much easier to think about the bad...but where does that get you?  It gets you to stop living because you are living in sadness, in guilt, and in fear.  You question everything around you, give up hope, and stop smiling.   
So, how would people remember you if you were to leave this earth tomorrow?  "unhappy" "didn't smile" "dwelled on the negative" "worried" "questioned everything" "fearful of life" "crabby" "not easy to talk to"...or would they look at you as "She lived her life each day and really enjoyed the journey..."  What changes need to be made in your life today, so you can start living tomorrow?  Life is a journey...and only you hold the map.

The Unknown...it's a scary place!

This morning my six year old had surgery.  He had his tonsils and adnoids out and a slit made in each ear to drain fluid.  All week he was so excited about this because he gets to miss school, eat popsicles and ice cream, and watch movies.  Who wouldn't love that?  However, this morning we saw a little different side of him.  He woke up and walked into the doctor's office just fine.  As he was sitting there waiting for the surgeon, he looked a bit scared.  His dad and I tried doing our best to explain to him what was going to happen.  He knew that the surgeon would come and talk to us, a nurse would take him back to the operating room, and he would breathe in some gas and go to sleep.  When it got close, we asked him how he was feeling.  He said, "Good!"..."well, actually, I'm a little nervous."  The nurse came, he gave his dad and I a huge hug, held back his tears, and walked away with the nurse, through the doors and into the unknown. 
I could not help but be amazed with with my six year old this morning.  That is a scary thing.  Someone you do not know is taking you away from those you are comfortable with, into a room that can be a scary place, and knowing that something not-so-good is going to be happening to you.  But he went.  He trusted the nurse, he trusted the surgeon, and he trusted that we would be waiting for him when he woke up. 
I can't help but think about how many times I have been afraid in my life...afraid of the unknown.  Afraid to take a step forward without knowing what I am walking into.  Afraid to take the hand of God as he is saying, "Come with me, I will show you the way."  One of the scariest days in my life (because I was taking a step into the unknown) was the day my husband and I separated and moved into my own house.  I have NEVER lived by myself, and then at age 28, I was making this move.  I was terified.  I hated the idea of being a female and living alone and trying to be strong for my three boys.  I hated the idea of going to sleep every night and waking up every morning by myself.  I hated the idea of shoveling my side walk, buying softener salt, changing all the lightbulbs, putting the air conditioners in and out of the windows, unclogging the toilets, and mowing the lawn all by myself.  I was scared, I felt alone, and I was pretty sure there was no way I was going to make it.  I remember tucking my boys into bed that first night and then laying in bed.  I prayed to God, "Here I am.  Be with me on this journey."  God has that amazing grace that will take away all fears...we just have to trust him.  That was a huge move for me...a huge step into the unknown.  However, I have made it and God has provided for me through this past year. 
How many of you are scared to take that next step?  That step into the unknown?  Maybe it is a new job, maybe a move, maybe a divorce, maybe a decision to have a baby...whatever it is...Don't let fear stand in your way.  There is a lot of good that can happen if we are willing to take that fearful step.  Grab hold of His hand, trust in Him, and walk through the doors of the unknown! 

Hope Floats

One of my favorite movies is "Hope Floats."  It sends a great message that there is always hope...even after your darkest moments, there is hope.  For those of you that haven't seen the movie, it displays a woman's life after she was brought on public television to have her husband tell her he had an affair.  Completely humiliated in front of the whole world...she had lost all hope.  Her and her daughter moved.  It showed this woman's struggles with depression, how she learned to appreciate her mother even though she was a little "different", how she was re-introduced to an old high school boyfriend, and ultimately...how she came out of the darkness.  This movie ends with the couple and her daughter walking through the county fair and a quote that I have remembered since the very first time I watched that movie, "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most...and you need to remember that when you find yourself at the begining.  Just give hope a chance to float up...and it will too!" (Hope Floats). 
This is so true for so many parts of our life.  Think of that "humiliation" in your life.  That one thing that brings you darkness.  How can you make that better?  Who can you go to for help?  How can you find hope to bring you through that darkness and let you shine again?  I don't know if I would say I am shining...but I am definitely not in the dark anymore.  I was in a deep dark place...sexual abuse, eating disorders, teen pregnancy, affairs...all gave me a lot of darkness and alot of despair.  I was a very unhappy person that I did not like.  I was here, on this earth to live my life...and I was not living.  I knew at my "rock bottom" moment when I chose to reach out to God, and I felt that grace...that peace...I knew there was hope.  I realized that I could live my life with despair, or I could live my life with hope...both would take me to the same destination, but I know the journey is going to be a lot more enjoyable on the road of hope. 
There is hope for all of us.   There is hope for our communities.  There is hope for our schools.  I look at hope as that amazing grace that God gives us to control our fears...we don't have to be afraid.  There is help...there is love...there is hope.  Remember this when you find yourself at the beginning...open your heart to God's grace and hope...allow happiness to come in...and hope WILL float!

Why ask Why?

My son Dylan, who is now 10, was the king of asking "Why?"  When he was 3, 4, and even into Kindergarten, we heard "Why?" all the time.  I would say, "The sky is blue," and his response was "Why?"  There were many times that I didn't know what or how to answer, and therefore I would say, "because that's how God made it."  That seemed to be an ok answer for him, and he would move onto the next thing he wanted to inquire about.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little sick of answering all of his questions.  Grandpa must've had a chat with him because one day Dylan said to me, "Mom, Grandpa Perry told me I am going to be very smart because I ask so many questions."  Kids are curious, we are all curious, and that's why we ask "Why?"

A few weeks ago I was completely stressed out and I'm pretty sure my head was going to explode.  I had a million assignments due for school (I'm in my Master's program for social work), this kid had to be here, that kid had to be there, I have to play volleyball, and I had to be at a meeting for something else.  I was talking to my husband and telling him how stressed I was and he asked, "Why?"  So I told him.  His response was, "You need a break.  Go play volleyball and have fun and I will take care of the boys."  I still came back with, "But I have so much homework to do," and he said, "Go.  You need a break."  At that moment, that was exactly what I needed.  I needed someone to realize I needed a break and to take over so I could relieve some stress. 

I have heard "Why" being asked numerous times over this past week surrounding the tragedies at NL-S.  "Why did they feel that was the only way out?"  "Why didn't the school step in earlier?"  "Why didn't they get the help they needed?"  We don't know these answers.  But, remember those people that are feeling in a deep, dark, place are asking "Why" too.  They are asking, "Why do I feel this way?"  "Why can't I just be happy?"  "Why doesn't anyone love me?"  They are waiting and searching for a way out of that pain and they want answers.  However, so many times I have heard that we should just do what is asked and not ask questions...don't question the status quo.  So, are people afraid to ask for help?  We need to ask questions and we need to respond to questions.  People need to know that it is ok to ask questions and ask for help.  When you see someone hurt, ask "Why?"  When someone says they are stressed, ask "Why?"  When someone is sick or doesn't want to go to school, ask "Why?"  When someone had a bad day, ask "Why?"

A simple "Why?" was all I needed on some of my dark days because that "Why?" showed that someone cared.  As a little kid, and even going through middle and highschool, kids ask "Why?" because they are curious, they are intriqued, and they want the answers.  Don't be afraid to answer questions and don't be afraid to ask questions.  Because...Without "Why", there can be no, "Here's how to make it better."

A place to put the blame...

I continue to pray for the NL-S community and for the family and friends of the most recent suicides, and then to all family and friends affected from past suicides.  These times bring up so many feelings and so many emotions of past tragedies. 

I have listened to a lot of conversations this week.  Many people are asking, "What is going on?"  and "How do we help?"  I have also heard, "The school has to step in now" and "I think it falls back on the parents."  After tragedies occur, we try to find a place to put the blame.  However, I don't believe we can put the blame on any one person, thing, event, family, facility, or organization.  "It takes a village to raise a child" and so we, as a community and surrounding communities, need to look at what we can do better.  When you point a finger, there are three more pointing back at you. 

If you are reading this, chances are you read my story of my life-long battle with depression.  When I hear the above statements, I sit and think, "What could've helped me?"  Was it the school?  Was it my church?  Was it my family?  I couldn't pinpoint any of those three.  As I stated in my story, my family took me to therapy, my dad was a pastor, my mom was a social worker, I took medications, I talked to a counselor, my parents asked me how I was doing/feeling.  But, what do all of those people do when the response they hear and see is a smile, laughter, and "I'm doing good"?  Remember, I said I kept everything a secret and I said everything that I felt my counselor and my parents wanted to hear me say.  Why?  Because I didn't want to deal with it.  Because I didn't want to "waste" my time talking to a counselor...(now this is the real problem that I see)...because if I went to a counselor and if I had to deal with it, THEN EVERYONE WOULD KNOW.  Everyone would know I was talking to a counselor and everyone would know that I had depression.  You see people, we don't talk about mental health issues openly in our community and society.  It is kept quiet.  It is kept a secret.  Why?  I don't know this answer, but this has to STOP.  I ask again, "What could've helped me?"  My answer is this...

To know that it was "ok" to have depression.  To know that I wasn't going to be judged by my friends, family, church members, and people in the community and in society.  Remember back to my story...I recently stopped taking my medications and seeing my counselor because it was a constant reminder that I had this illness.  It's not only from when I was in high-school...I still have felt this way.   

So what do we need to do?  We need to not judge.  We need to understand mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety that lead to suicides and how those illnesses affect the body.  We need to understand that just simply putting a smile on our faces may not make us feel better.  We need to be educated and we need to educate. 

Therefore, my fellow community members, pray for me (as I am working on some things now) and for others that are wanting to make a difference.  I have done a lot of praying and a lot of thinking this past week.  As I stated in my story, I survived TWO attempts to end my life...so I know HE isn't done with me yet.  And I am not going to stay quiet anymore about my illness and about my life.  Secrets are for those that have something bad to hide...and I don't have anything bad to hide.  I have a whole-lot-of information to spread, help to give, and support to share. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  Willmar has a mental health walk to raise awareness of mental health.  I will be walking in this and I invite you to come walk with me as we show the community that we have a lot to give!

When you hit rock bottom...the only place to go is up!

It has been a tough ten years, let alone the past three months in the New London-Spicer community. Although I am not technically a "member" of the community anymore, my heart has been with the NL-S community these past few days, and I will always consider that community "home."  This community has lost four people to suicides and one person to an addiction since the beginning of the year.  Many of you read Ellie's story, and she definitely inspired me to write my story.  After hearing about the most recent suicide, I thought all day about, "What can I do to help?"  "How can I make a difference?"  This story has not been told before, but I have never felt more empowered to tell my story and to make a difference.  This is just the beginning...
I was young.  First grade maybe (I don't remember exactly how old).  I had a normal day like any other, and something happened that changed my life.  I was sexually abused.  I can close my eyes right now and see this happening to me.  I knew this was not something that should be happening to me, but I was scared...and so, I didn't tell...anyone...for 20-some years.

...It can only go up from here...

I continued to live my life.  I tried to forget about that day and not think about it...and I did for days, sometimes weeks, and even months (if I was lucky) at a time.  I played.  I laughed.  Then some tough times came for my parents.  My dad had an affair and they separated and we moved...then a year later, they got back together and we moved again. 

...It can only go up from here...

By this time I was a 7th grader.  I remember being so scared when I walked through the doors of the NL-S schools because I was now "the new girl" for the second year in a row.  I had a lot of anxiety about fitting in and worrying that I wouldn't have any friends.  That wasn't the case.  I made friends very easily.  I laughed.  I had fun.  I laughed.

...It can only go up from here...

I wasn't feeling that laughter on the inside.  I was not happy on the inside.  I put a smile on my face though.  I thought that if I smiled on the outside, It would make me smile on the inside too.  That wasn't the case.  Why wasn't I happy?  My family was back together.  I had friends.  I went to church.  I was on the varsity track team in 7th grade.  My parents had good jobs and we were not struggling financially.  None of that made me happy because that is not what I was seeing or feeling.  I wanted more friends.  I wanted to be skinnier.  I wanted to be prettier.  I wanted to run faster and jump farther.  I remember saying to myself (and have said this to myself many times in my lifetime) "If I do _______" or "If I have _______, then I will be happy."  Wrong!  It got to the point where I just didn't want to be sad and I didn't want to deal with this pain that I had inside.  It was pain that I didn't know where it came from...it was just there.  It was an empty, lonely, pain.  I couldn't imagine that anyone could understand what I was feeling or that anyone else ever felt the pain that I was feeling.  So, I didn't tell anyone how bad I was hurting. 

...It can only go up from here...

One night before going to bed, I went to the bathroom, gathered the pill bottles and started swallowing them.  I was not thinking of anyone or anything.  I wasn't even thinking about dying, I just wanted the pain to be gone.  I went to my bed, laid down, and closed my eyes.  During the night I woke up.  I could hardly move.  I tried to sit up as best I could and turned to get out of bed.  I put my feet down on the floor and went to stand up, but fell down because I was so weak.  I laid there on the floor of my bedroom the rest of the night.  I cried.  I cried because I was scared.  I cried because I was sad.  I cried because I needed to cry.  I woke up in the morning and did not tell my parents what happened the night before.  I remember being thankful I was alive and thankful I was able to stand up and walk...because then I didn't think anyone would have to know.  I thought I had hit rock bottom...I would realize later in my life, that this was no where near rock bottom. 

...It can only go up from here...

My parents found out.  Of course they were worried and scared and got me the first available therapy appointment.  I went to therapy...but I just said what I thought they wanted to hear because I didn't want to be there.  I took a prescription medication for depression.  A short while later I stopped going to therapy and taking my medications because "I didn't need it anymore."  The years went on...I always felt a strong urge and need for perfection because I was the "Pastor's Kid."  So, when I didn't get an "A", I didn't get first in track, I wasn't as skinny as I thought I should be etc...I was disappointed in myself.  I felt sad, alone, and carried a lot of pain.  In high school, I began experiementing with alcohol, chemicals, and sex. 

...It can only go up from here...

I became pregnant at 17.  I will never forget the day I walked down the hallway at school and everyone stood by their lockers and whispered and stared as I walked by.  I even remember hearing the words, "Oh my gosh!  Isn't her dad a pastor?"  I wanted to crawl inside a hole and die.  Not only had I disappointed my parents and myself, I felt as though I had disapointed others in the community.  I remember being anxious for prom and graduation my senior year because I felt like everyone was going to remember me as "the girl that was pregnant."  I had my son my first year in college and my parents and family were very supportive. 

...It can only go up from here...

I met the love of my life and Dylan (my son) and I moved to Moorhead so we could be with Wayne.  I finished my bachelor's degree there.  We moved back to Sunburg and raised our family.  Between my 2nd and 3rd son, I remember struggling with depression some more, and more so...struggling with my self image.  I had an eating disorder.  I ran at least once, if not twice a day.  Most meals that I ate, I threw up.  I got pregnant with my 3rd son and I knew for his health, I couldn't do that anymore.  So I stopped.  And I didn't tell anyone. 

...It can only go up from here...

After I had my 3rd son, I had pretty severe post-partum depression.  I remember crying a lot as I tried to hold myself together for my three boys.  Then, it got to be months later, and I still felt this way.  I knew I had depression and I knew it had come back in full swing, but I wasn't going to deal with it.  It got to the point where nothing anyone could say or do would make me happy.  I was expecting the world around me to make me happy.  I had a husband.  I had three beautiful and healthy boys.  I had a house.  I had a good job.  I had it all...but I couldn't find happiness.  I felt so alone...so empty...so sad all the time.  I would go to work, come home and slap some supper on the table, lay down on the couch, and then be sleeping by 9pm.  There was so much time I missed out on with my family because I wasn't ready to "deal" with my baggage.  My marriage started to crumble down around me. 

...It can only go up from here...

I knew at this time I needed to see a counselor.  I knew what I was feeling was not good...for me, for my boys, for my husband.  I needed help and I was ready for help.  I also went to my medical doctor at this time because I knew I would need to be back on my depression medications.  I started my medications again and I went to therapy weekly.  I really began to learn and understand that depression is a disease.  I began to realize that I need to make myself happy before I can expect happiness from anyone and anywhere else.  I realized that life was worth getting up off the couch and living each day.  I was learning to deal with my self esteem and the eating disorder that I had.  I was dealing with my parent's divorce and working through the pain that caused me.  And I was praying and involving God in my healing...however, there was one thing that I was still keeping in...the sexual abuse.

...It can only go up from here...

I felt the best I had in a long, long, time.  Our health insurance changed and our new insurance no longer covered mental health services (ie. counseling).  So, I stopped going to counseling.  My husband and I struggled more in our marriage and we basically fell apart.  I remember the day very clear...only a year ago...that I tipped my prescription medication bottle up to my mouth again.  I wasn't thinking about my family, my boys, my friends, or about dying.  I just didn't want to deal with all the pain that I new was going to be ahead of me.  My husband rushed me to the hospital.  I remember being very scared, very sad, very hurt, and very empty.  As I lay in the hospital room that night and the following day, I knew my life had to change.  I knew I had to start living for myself and for my boys.  I made it through this two times now, so He must really want me to be alive...therefore, I knew I had to start living. 

...It can only go up from here...

It was at this time that I opened up about my sexual abuse twenty some years earlier.  I knew that if I wanted to heal, I needed to heal all of me.  I went back to counseling and really worked on healing my old wounds.  My husband and I separated and I moved.  This was not at all easy, but gave me the chance to really find out who Angie is.  I don't really think I ever lived my life for me.  I was living it for everyone else around me.  I began to smile.  I began to laugh.  I will never forget the day I was playing outside with my boys and Isaac said, "Mom, you're really a lot of fun!"  I cried and was so sad that I had never heard this from my kids before...but at the same time, happy because I was finally ready to change my life. 

...It can only go up from here...

I have definitely had struggles through this past year.  I have been filled with more emotions that I ever knew anyone could ever have.  I cried more than I thought that anyone could ever cry.  I was trying to work through a lifetime of issues and raising my boys on my own.  I got to the point where I stopped counseling again and I stopped my medications because taking that medication everyday was a constant reminder that "something was wrong" with me.  A couple months ago is when I think I hit rock bottom.  I felt so sad and so alone and so empty.  I sat on my bathroom floor and cried and cried and cried.  I cried until I had nothing left to cry out.  I cried because I was scared of the future.  I cried because I upset and mad about my past.  I cried because I needed to cry.  However, this time instead of reaching for a pill bottle, I folded my hands and prayed, "God, I need you now!"  It was at that moment that I felt an embrace and a sense of relief come over me.

...It can only go up from here...

 I knew I had just hit rock bottom and I knew that I could only go up from here.  Back to therapy and back on my medications I went.  This time, I thanked God for people like my counselor and for the medications that are here to help me along.  I have come to accept that depression is a part of my life.  I know that I will be taking that little blue pill for the rest of my life.  I know that I will have to "check in" with my counselor here and there to make sure I am still on track.

...It can only go up from here...

The biggest thing that I have finally learned at 29 years old is that there is no day that is not worth living for.  I know there will be some dark days ahead, but I know they will never be too dark.  There are people willing and ready to reach out and grab your hand, you just have to be willing to give them your hand and let your happiness in!