I.am.enough.

As a little girl, I dreamed of the day that I would marry my prince charming and live happily ever after...

...but as a grown woman, I have days that I struggle and think "this is NOT my fairy tale life!"  Why didn't those stories go something like this...

"Once upon a time, in a tiny little town lived a wife and mother of three.  She woke up at 5:45am to try and get herself showered and somewhat ready for the day before her three boys awoke.  She knew that once they woke, her time for herself was over.  "Mom! Where are my shorts!"  "Mom, I can't find any clean jeans!"  "Mom! This shirt doesn't fit me!"...sign this, sign that, give me money for this..."Mom, can you get me breakfast!"  "Mom...he pushed me"  "Mom...mom...mom...mom...".  After she miraculously found everything that couldn't be found, signed all forms, and got the tummy's filled...they were running late.  "Let's go...get your jacket on...boots...gloves..."  And out the door they go...all are in the car and one says, "I forgot something!"  Out the door, running up to the house...and five minutes later he returns to the car.  Quickly up to the bus stop, they pull up just as the bus is coming to a stop!  "Good bye!  Have a good day!  I love you..." Doors slam!  She now gets to enjoy her quiet car ride to work.  "S%#@!  I forgot to put out the garbage!"  She turns back around to pull the overloaded garbage can to road.  Off she goes to work...while at work, she is thinking about what kid needs to be here, and what kid needs to be there and who can pick up this kid or that kid.  Ooops...gotta put some lunch money in the account so the kids can eat...Once her day is over, she picks two kids up at the bus stop! Throws a granola bar to the kids in the back.  One boy is changing clothes in the back seat, getting ready for swimming.  The other one is whining because he just wants to go home.  We go sit at swimming for an hour, and get a phone call from the other son..."Mom, can you come pick me up from the school?  I can't get a ride home..." hop in the car from swimming...drive to the next town to school to track down the next boy and they drive home...it is now 7:15pm.  Each boy wants something different for supper, and she makes what they want.  Each boy has homework to be done, books to read, papers to be signed, and projects to work on.  "Mom, I need money for this..."  "Mom, we need to finish this project by Friday..."  While she corrects all the homework and gets all of the papers in the correct folders, her precious boys are arguing about which TV show they want to watch.  Back packs are packed up...dishes get done, the house gets somewhat picked up...now, she has to work on her homework.  Sit down to work, kids are yelling in the other room...time for bed!  Boys are whining because they don't want to go to bed...teeth are brushed, prayers are said...her homework gets finished...her workout gets done...and now it is 11:30pm.  Congratulations...you get to wake up and do it all again tomorrow because your husband is working 48 hours straight...."

WHAT??  Where was this in the fairytale books?  As a woman, there are many days that I am left wondering, "Did anyone notice me today?"  "Did anyone appreciate any of that?"  "Was I enough?"  It took me living on my own for fifteen months to truly understand and believe that my worth does not come from what people think of me...my worth comes from God.  "Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is great worth in God's sight" 1 Peter 3:4.  Isn't that great?  I. am. worth. it.  and...so are you!  This is not easy to remember...this day and age...life gets tough.  We struggle with friendships, marriages, eating disorders, mental illnesses, and traumatic events that make us lose our self worth...however, God is always watching.  He sees you.  He notices you...

So today, I am reminding myself that I can still have that fairy tale life...even though we live in a not-so-fairy tale world.  I will count my blessings each day...I will be thankful for the little things...and I will live in the moment... 
He sees me...I am worth it and I.am.enough!!

One tough Mama!

I came inside from mowing my lawn and Logan, my 4 year old, runs to the window to look outside (checking to see if I finished mowing)...and turns around and says, "Wow!  You're one tough mama!"  This might not seem like a big deal, but for 10 months my 4 year old has been pretty certain that I can't mow the lawn, change a lightbulb, unclog the toilet, or fix anything without "daddy" to help. 
I have recently accepted a 2nd job, continue working on my Master's degree, contuing to work full time at my current job, full time mom, full time housekeeper, full time activity director for my children etc.  It gets busy and I get overwhelmed.  Most of my life I have felt like nothing I do is quite good enough.  I wait for someone to tell me "good job" or "thank you."  When I didn't hear that, I would feel like I wasn't 'worth it' or my hard work went unnoticed.  I would think to myself, "really, no one noticed I cleaned that up or finished that, or fixed that, or lost weight, or cut my hair, or, or, or, or."  People must only be appreciated in the movies... or in the fairytales...
Through counseling and some books that I have read, I come to believe there is One who sees everything and nothing goes unnoticed with Him.  I am working really hard on understanding this and accepting that my worth needs to come from God...not from what I do or who I am around.  With this thought process, although it's nice to hear a "good job" or "thank you", I don't need to hear that to feel I am worth something. It's hard to always think this way because it's so easy to feel taken advantage of or thinking that our good deeds and good works have gone unnoticed...however, knowing that there is always someone that appreciates our hard work and good deeds lets me live in my fairytale life...even when we live in a not-so-fairytale world!

How will you be remembered?

I have been very inspired over the past four years as I have read about the journey of a local member our community battle cancer.  Even up to her final moments here on earth, she never gave up hope, never questioned "why me?", and never stopped smiling. 
I can't help but think about my life when something like this happens.  Gosh, how many times have I asked, "God, why are you doing this to me?"  Or said to myself, "I can't handle this anymore" or "once this happens, then I will be happy" or "Ugh.  If only I had the answers" or "If only I knew what the future held" or "There's no hope."  Or, I would just dwell on past mistakes that I had made.  I was so good at focusing on the negative things in my life...that it consumed me, and I missed out on a lot of good things going on around me.  I would tend to forget about all the good in my life which God has blessed me with...such as my boys, my family, my husband, the fact that I have a house, I have a job, I have friends, my health etc.  There is so much I have to be thankful for.  I wasn't living my life in the here and now.  I think about the movie Kung fu Panda and the turtle (I forget his title) says, "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift." Amen to that!
After Thanksgiving, I decided to post something on facebook that I was thankful for in my life each day for a month.  I would encourage all of you to do this...what difference this made in my life.  I was begining each day with focusing on something good in my life...instead of worrying about all the bad going on in my life. 
Over this past year...more so in the past couple of months...I have come to realize and fully believe that I am in control of my life...and I have God on my side.  I have the choice to wake up each morning and think of the happy things...or think of the negative things.  There are many days when it is so much easier to think about the bad...but where does that get you?  It gets you to stop living because you are living in sadness, in guilt, and in fear.  You question everything around you, give up hope, and stop smiling.   
So, how would people remember you if you were to leave this earth tomorrow?  "unhappy" "didn't smile" "dwelled on the negative" "worried" "questioned everything" "fearful of life" "crabby" "not easy to talk to"...or would they look at you as "She lived her life each day and really enjoyed the journey..."  What changes need to be made in your life today, so you can start living tomorrow?  Life is a journey...and only you hold the map.

The Unknown...it's a scary place!

This morning my six year old had surgery.  He had his tonsils and adnoids out and a slit made in each ear to drain fluid.  All week he was so excited about this because he gets to miss school, eat popsicles and ice cream, and watch movies.  Who wouldn't love that?  However, this morning we saw a little different side of him.  He woke up and walked into the doctor's office just fine.  As he was sitting there waiting for the surgeon, he looked a bit scared.  His dad and I tried doing our best to explain to him what was going to happen.  He knew that the surgeon would come and talk to us, a nurse would take him back to the operating room, and he would breathe in some gas and go to sleep.  When it got close, we asked him how he was feeling.  He said, "Good!"..."well, actually, I'm a little nervous."  The nurse came, he gave his dad and I a huge hug, held back his tears, and walked away with the nurse, through the doors and into the unknown. 
I could not help but be amazed with with my six year old this morning.  That is a scary thing.  Someone you do not know is taking you away from those you are comfortable with, into a room that can be a scary place, and knowing that something not-so-good is going to be happening to you.  But he went.  He trusted the nurse, he trusted the surgeon, and he trusted that we would be waiting for him when he woke up. 
I can't help but think about how many times I have been afraid in my life...afraid of the unknown.  Afraid to take a step forward without knowing what I am walking into.  Afraid to take the hand of God as he is saying, "Come with me, I will show you the way."  One of the scariest days in my life (because I was taking a step into the unknown) was the day my husband and I separated and moved into my own house.  I have NEVER lived by myself, and then at age 28, I was making this move.  I was terified.  I hated the idea of being a female and living alone and trying to be strong for my three boys.  I hated the idea of going to sleep every night and waking up every morning by myself.  I hated the idea of shoveling my side walk, buying softener salt, changing all the lightbulbs, putting the air conditioners in and out of the windows, unclogging the toilets, and mowing the lawn all by myself.  I was scared, I felt alone, and I was pretty sure there was no way I was going to make it.  I remember tucking my boys into bed that first night and then laying in bed.  I prayed to God, "Here I am.  Be with me on this journey."  God has that amazing grace that will take away all fears...we just have to trust him.  That was a huge move for me...a huge step into the unknown.  However, I have made it and God has provided for me through this past year. 
How many of you are scared to take that next step?  That step into the unknown?  Maybe it is a new job, maybe a move, maybe a divorce, maybe a decision to have a baby...whatever it is...Don't let fear stand in your way.  There is a lot of good that can happen if we are willing to take that fearful step.  Grab hold of His hand, trust in Him, and walk through the doors of the unknown! 

Hope Floats

One of my favorite movies is "Hope Floats."  It sends a great message that there is always hope...even after your darkest moments, there is hope.  For those of you that haven't seen the movie, it displays a woman's life after she was brought on public television to have her husband tell her he had an affair.  Completely humiliated in front of the whole world...she had lost all hope.  Her and her daughter moved.  It showed this woman's struggles with depression, how she learned to appreciate her mother even though she was a little "different", how she was re-introduced to an old high school boyfriend, and ultimately...how she came out of the darkness.  This movie ends with the couple and her daughter walking through the county fair and a quote that I have remembered since the very first time I watched that movie, "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most...and you need to remember that when you find yourself at the begining.  Just give hope a chance to float up...and it will too!" (Hope Floats). 
This is so true for so many parts of our life.  Think of that "humiliation" in your life.  That one thing that brings you darkness.  How can you make that better?  Who can you go to for help?  How can you find hope to bring you through that darkness and let you shine again?  I don't know if I would say I am shining...but I am definitely not in the dark anymore.  I was in a deep dark place...sexual abuse, eating disorders, teen pregnancy, affairs...all gave me a lot of darkness and alot of despair.  I was a very unhappy person that I did not like.  I was here, on this earth to live my life...and I was not living.  I knew at my "rock bottom" moment when I chose to reach out to God, and I felt that grace...that peace...I knew there was hope.  I realized that I could live my life with despair, or I could live my life with hope...both would take me to the same destination, but I know the journey is going to be a lot more enjoyable on the road of hope. 
There is hope for all of us.   There is hope for our communities.  There is hope for our schools.  I look at hope as that amazing grace that God gives us to control our fears...we don't have to be afraid.  There is help...there is love...there is hope.  Remember this when you find yourself at the beginning...open your heart to God's grace and hope...allow happiness to come in...and hope WILL float!

Why ask Why?

My son Dylan, who is now 10, was the king of asking "Why?"  When he was 3, 4, and even into Kindergarten, we heard "Why?" all the time.  I would say, "The sky is blue," and his response was "Why?"  There were many times that I didn't know what or how to answer, and therefore I would say, "because that's how God made it."  That seemed to be an ok answer for him, and he would move onto the next thing he wanted to inquire about.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little sick of answering all of his questions.  Grandpa must've had a chat with him because one day Dylan said to me, "Mom, Grandpa Perry told me I am going to be very smart because I ask so many questions."  Kids are curious, we are all curious, and that's why we ask "Why?"

A few weeks ago I was completely stressed out and I'm pretty sure my head was going to explode.  I had a million assignments due for school (I'm in my Master's program for social work), this kid had to be here, that kid had to be there, I have to play volleyball, and I had to be at a meeting for something else.  I was talking to my husband and telling him how stressed I was and he asked, "Why?"  So I told him.  His response was, "You need a break.  Go play volleyball and have fun and I will take care of the boys."  I still came back with, "But I have so much homework to do," and he said, "Go.  You need a break."  At that moment, that was exactly what I needed.  I needed someone to realize I needed a break and to take over so I could relieve some stress. 

I have heard "Why" being asked numerous times over this past week surrounding the tragedies at NL-S.  "Why did they feel that was the only way out?"  "Why didn't the school step in earlier?"  "Why didn't they get the help they needed?"  We don't know these answers.  But, remember those people that are feeling in a deep, dark, place are asking "Why" too.  They are asking, "Why do I feel this way?"  "Why can't I just be happy?"  "Why doesn't anyone love me?"  They are waiting and searching for a way out of that pain and they want answers.  However, so many times I have heard that we should just do what is asked and not ask questions...don't question the status quo.  So, are people afraid to ask for help?  We need to ask questions and we need to respond to questions.  People need to know that it is ok to ask questions and ask for help.  When you see someone hurt, ask "Why?"  When someone says they are stressed, ask "Why?"  When someone is sick or doesn't want to go to school, ask "Why?"  When someone had a bad day, ask "Why?"

A simple "Why?" was all I needed on some of my dark days because that "Why?" showed that someone cared.  As a little kid, and even going through middle and highschool, kids ask "Why?" because they are curious, they are intriqued, and they want the answers.  Don't be afraid to answer questions and don't be afraid to ask questions.  Because...Without "Why", there can be no, "Here's how to make it better."

A place to put the blame...

I continue to pray for the NL-S community and for the family and friends of the most recent suicides, and then to all family and friends affected from past suicides.  These times bring up so many feelings and so many emotions of past tragedies. 

I have listened to a lot of conversations this week.  Many people are asking, "What is going on?"  and "How do we help?"  I have also heard, "The school has to step in now" and "I think it falls back on the parents."  After tragedies occur, we try to find a place to put the blame.  However, I don't believe we can put the blame on any one person, thing, event, family, facility, or organization.  "It takes a village to raise a child" and so we, as a community and surrounding communities, need to look at what we can do better.  When you point a finger, there are three more pointing back at you. 

If you are reading this, chances are you read my story of my life-long battle with depression.  When I hear the above statements, I sit and think, "What could've helped me?"  Was it the school?  Was it my church?  Was it my family?  I couldn't pinpoint any of those three.  As I stated in my story, my family took me to therapy, my dad was a pastor, my mom was a social worker, I took medications, I talked to a counselor, my parents asked me how I was doing/feeling.  But, what do all of those people do when the response they hear and see is a smile, laughter, and "I'm doing good"?  Remember, I said I kept everything a secret and I said everything that I felt my counselor and my parents wanted to hear me say.  Why?  Because I didn't want to deal with it.  Because I didn't want to "waste" my time talking to a counselor...(now this is the real problem that I see)...because if I went to a counselor and if I had to deal with it, THEN EVERYONE WOULD KNOW.  Everyone would know I was talking to a counselor and everyone would know that I had depression.  You see people, we don't talk about mental health issues openly in our community and society.  It is kept quiet.  It is kept a secret.  Why?  I don't know this answer, but this has to STOP.  I ask again, "What could've helped me?"  My answer is this...

To know that it was "ok" to have depression.  To know that I wasn't going to be judged by my friends, family, church members, and people in the community and in society.  Remember back to my story...I recently stopped taking my medications and seeing my counselor because it was a constant reminder that I had this illness.  It's not only from when I was in high-school...I still have felt this way.   

So what do we need to do?  We need to not judge.  We need to understand mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety that lead to suicides and how those illnesses affect the body.  We need to understand that just simply putting a smile on our faces may not make us feel better.  We need to be educated and we need to educate. 

Therefore, my fellow community members, pray for me (as I am working on some things now) and for others that are wanting to make a difference.  I have done a lot of praying and a lot of thinking this past week.  As I stated in my story, I survived TWO attempts to end my life...so I know HE isn't done with me yet.  And I am not going to stay quiet anymore about my illness and about my life.  Secrets are for those that have something bad to hide...and I don't have anything bad to hide.  I have a whole-lot-of information to spread, help to give, and support to share. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  Willmar has a mental health walk to raise awareness of mental health.  I will be walking in this and I invite you to come walk with me as we show the community that we have a lot to give!